The Small Victories...

January 17th, 2012

This is a pretty long over due blog post and for that, I apoligize.

Warning: This is going to most likely be a long post today. I dont
have nothing but time. Bare with me =)

I guess you could say that a lot has happened over the last 2 months
since Ive last spoken to you (I think its been 2 months exactly).
Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Well duh, thats
the point of this blog. I supposed updating it would further fulfill
its purpose on letting you in on my progress. (im clearly giving
myself a hard time about writing more frequently, forgive me lol) But
anyways, lets try to organize these thoughts and start off with some
physical changes that have happened over the last couple of months:

Physical:
- Ive gained more weight (309-ish lbs currently)
- My face is getting fatter and its triggering some unwanted breakdowns
- I have awesome lips. They’re perfect.
- My thighs and belly and unreasonabley expanding and that also aids
said breakdowns
- Im longing to go to the gym and get my body moving. That is one
thing out a handful of things that I miss about Frostburg: the easy
accessability to a gym. and its free. I unfortunately dont take
advantage of it as much as I used to but I will make a concious effort
to change this in the upcoming semester (despite my foreseeable hectic
schedule)
- Im avoiding going to the doctors because I am scared of what I could
find out. I have been feeling odd lately and whenever I eat a certain
amount of candy or sugar for that matter, at first i started to get
dizzy and lightheaded… and maybe even a slight headache. Im scared
to death of what those symptoms could be telling me, so like the
stubborn and avoidable person that I am, Im hoping that it was just
something odd going on with my body and that Im fine now. O_O Yea.
- My butt is so odd.
- My boobs are still huge
- Im a giant. :p

Now for the Emotions:

Emotions:
- Ive been having some intensely flucuating bouts of mood swings.
Triggered by very small miniscule things veiwed from the surface, but
have sent me from genuinely happy and enjoying the moment to
despariging sadness that I find difficult to get out of. (This’ll most
likely spill over to the Mental catergory)
- Happy moments arent as plentyful as they have been in the past, but
when I am happy, it means a lot when I am. (Likely to spill over to
the Spirituality category)
- My IDGAF attitude I have adopted over the past year morphed my
nuetral, passive, kind-hearted personality into a sassy, no-bullshit,
assertive person. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I find myself
having to check myself every once and a while.
- I want to have fun
- I really really want (need) a cuddle buddy. Like yesterday.
- In the matter of 3 days my life turned into an episode of Awkward
Black Girl. (Ima just leave that as that)
- in respect to above comment, I am convinced that I really dont like
feeling neglected. Im a bit posessive, if you will. To be frank. I
need attention. From the slight attention that I have gotten, I liked
and I feel like I deserve more. I an underrated individual. I dont
need or desire for that matter, to be in the spotlight, but a little
recognition, flattery, a few compliments here and there to give me a
little boost. Is that too much to ask for? D: *insert Community .gif*

Mental
- Ive Come to grips with the reality that I do in fact am suffering
from depression. What is a mystery however, is when did it start? A
year ago? Middle school? 4 months ago?
- What ever the case, what I have noticed with this ‘new’ discovery is
that its starting to affect my physically. Whenever I do get really
upset or ‘in one of my moods’, my body just feels plain awful. Im not
even trying to exaggerate. Like my chest feel like a heap of turd is
just sitting there and I cant shake it off me. Matter of fact, I feel
like a pile of turd all over, mostly b/c what triggers me is my body.
- As a psychology student, I know all too well that this here is way
damaging to my physical and mental health. And the right thing to do
would be to seek help. But the thing is, I dont feel like talking. I
know I need to. I just hurts to talk. I honestly am tired of talking,
you know? Expressing my feelings about the same bullshit that Im
trying to fight through and I cant seem to get passed it. I so sick of
it. Im sick i=of feeling upset when i should be happy and enjoying the
time I have at home with my family.
- One thing I have noticed is though, I tend to get upset more
frequently when Im at home opposed to up at school. At school, Im
constantly busy, I have my own space, I can practically do what I
want, however, I honestly hated it up there. I do have a good circle
of friends that I can go to but for the most part Im a lone wolf. I
cant stand 90% of the people that go there, The campus is slight, and
if it wasnt for the decent Psychology program and the pretty chill
professors, I would have been transfered forreal. Now at home I dont
have my own space, Im mostly broke, I cant leave whenever I want, and
I feel like a child. But I love being with my family and I get to
relax and not worry about school for a moment. Id rather be home or
anywhere else than to be at school. But I feel like I am slightly more
stable at school. I guess because I have my guard up from outside
forces I guess I guard myself from myself too. I dont have time to let
my insecurities eat away at me because I have more pressing matters to
attend to, like writing a paper and getting assignments done.

and …

Spirituality
- Ive been very diligent about making sure I pray everyday. Cant go to
sleep without praying first
- I find myself thinking about God and how my actions reflect the way
He views me.
- I definitley confide and consult God way more often.
- Im trying to pay more attention to when God is trying to tell me something.
- I feel His presense more.
- I understand that God brings us to an experience, difficult or
wonderful, for us to learn. This makes having my different mood swings
a tad bit easier to deal with because they happen for a reason. I have
to learn from it. What is it that I have to learn, you ask? I dont
quite know yet. But Im trying to pay attention.
- I have also been a bit selfish. I havent been on the ball about
reading the bible yet I have been asking a lot from Him. So that makes
paying attention a little more difficult on my part. But one scripture
that I am familiar with, Philippians 4:6 - “Do not be anxious about
anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with
thanksgiving, present your requests to God” - I know that instead of
trying to handle a situation that I am struggling with by myself, I
need drop everything Im doing and come to God with it. If i have no
clue what to do about something, Im not going to pretend that I do and
end up doing something wrong. I have to give it to God and let Him
lead me to the right situation or opportunity. Many times, thats the
only thing I can do.
- Getting through the day gets better when I know I can always talk to
God. Its so comforting and relieving, honestly.

and…. EXHALE

That was a lot. And its not even all of it forreal. But Thats what has
been happening, internally. Lol I havent even got to the external
stuff.

Welllllll…
- Thanksgiving happened. That was cool.
- Ruined Happened. That was awesome. I had a blast. At first the whole
process was a bit shaky and I wasnt comfortable with the whole cast
but when you spend time and work with a goroup of people for a good 2
months, you are bound to start bonding in some sort of way. It was
pretty fun. Its very interesting playing a prostitute in the DRC and
having almost all your friends that came out to see you gasp when one
of the main antagonists forces himself on you. That scene was both
hilarious and nerve-racking to me, but he was a total gentleman about
it so it was all good. I kinda like being on stage. I want to be in
more plays. and I get a credit out of it so why not! lol It was a
great experience though and a lot of greatness came out of it. I dont
think there will ever be a cast, or a play like that at Frostburg for
a good while. I am extremely glad that I got to be a part of it.
Definitely one of those ‘great college memories’ that I will be
looking back at. And it made being at Frostburg more worth while. =)
- Survived fall semester of my junior year with a 3.0. PRAISE GOD.
- Christmas happened. It was lovely. ♥
- New Years happened. That was fun. ♥ Happy 2012. lol
- Naaji came up for New Years and stayed with us for 2 weeks. It was
nice having an older sister for a while hahahaa
- Still single as hell.
- Working. At work as Im typing this :p
- I want to go on a date. Someone take me out on a date. NAOW.
- I dont want to go to school. I really dont want that to happen. D:

Welp. Thats what Ive been up to. =/ lol

Bah.

(Source: legentlegiant)